Dr Gabriel Uguru
You have no doubt bought a new smart TV and are looking forward to showcasing your purchase to friends and family this festive season. But wouldn’t it be embarrassing when you ask your smart remote to tune the TV to a channel of your choice only for you to get a reply that your instructions are unintelligible?
Well, to avoid the embarrassment of having to go into a War of the Worlds between you and AI in front of your family and friends, you had better train the AI in your smart remote beforehand.
Join our WhatsApp ChannelYou see, AI is like a horse. You need to break (or tame) a wild horse before you can ride it. Here is how to train the AI in your smart remote:
I bought my first smart TV – a Samsung 65″ Q8C Curved QLED Smart TV in 2018. A day after the TV arrived, I was relaxing in my lounge when I decided to complete setting up the TV by pairing the smart remote controller to the TV. The pairing was successful and thereafter I began to familiarise myself with all the whistles and bells that came with the TV.
When the first programme I was watching ended, I wanted to switch over to Disney channel and using the smart remote controller, asked the voice-activator in a quiet, standard English accent: Tune to Disney channel, please.
Voice-activator: Please, speak louder and clearly, sir.
Me (in Nigerian accent): Tune to D-I-Z-I-NN-Y Cha-nnel
Voice-activator: You are too loud, sir. Kindly speak clearly.
Me (in normal English vocal range but still with Nigerian accent): I say D-I-Z-I-NN-Y
Voice-activator: Dizzying? A moment, please (and it called up Google on the web and read to me): Causing someone to feel unsteady, confused, or amazed ….
Me (still in Nigerian accent, I shouted): No! Okay, put Channel 15 on.
Voice-activator: Channel 50 coming up, sir.
Me (exasperated): I say Channel 15!
Voice-activator: But sir, this is Channel 50, or do you want Channel 15?
Me: Yes.
Voice-activator: Yes what, sir?
Me: Channel 15!
Voice-activator: You are on Channel 50.
Me: Can you get me Channel 13, instead.
Voice-activator: Channel 30 coming up.
Me: I say 13!
Voice-activator: But sir, this is Channel 30.
Me: I mean One Three.
Voice-activator: One Tree?! Sir, there is no Channel called One Tree. Shall I look it up with Google, sir?
Me (still exasperated but in normal English accent): No! I will do it manually by myself, you dozy cow.
Voice-activator: I heard that! There is no need to be insulting, sir! How would you feel if I called you an insufferable buffoon?
Me: If you did, then, I would smash you against the wall and dump you in the bin.
Voice activator (timorous): Fair enough, sir. Pardon me, sir, for my impertinence. How may I help you.
Me (in Nigerian accent): Tune to channel 15, please.
Voice activator: Channel 15 coming up, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Voice-activator: You are welcome, sir.
I was feeling very victorious and decided to try out the Alexa given to me by my youngest child for a Christmas present, unaware that it was listening in the background.
Me: Alexa!
Alexa (in a subservient voice): Sir.
Me (in Nigerian accent): Tune in to BBC World Service.
Alexa: BBC World Service coming up, sir.
I was amazed. Formerly, whenever I used a Nigerian accent to ask the Alexa to tune in to BBC World Service, it would superciliously respond that there was nothing called DBC World Service, sir!
Story taken and modified from Jokes and Short Stories to Brighten Your Day by Dr Gabriel Chukwu Uguru (In preparation).
Merry Christmas.
