Dr Gabriel Uguru“What then? Notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, saint or sinner, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice.” _St Paul to the Philippians.
Pastor Femi Adeyinka was a proper scoundrel of the first order by all accounts. He was not born a scoundrel, but circumstances made him one. He was a jobless graduate of Economics from the University of Ilorin, Nigeria. He had been looking for a job for more than two years after graduation but with no success. Those of you in the same (or have experienced similar) condition know how painful and humiliating it can be when after applying for so many jobs and interviewing for some of the positions you know you are more than qualified to fill but only for you to receive a clipped email: “Thank you for your interest in the so, so position, but we regret to inform you that on this occasion you are unsuccessful. We wish you all the best.” It is even more demoralising when your parents and siblings no longer seem overjoyed at the sight of you, and when your mum starts telling you that when you have quite finished loafing around that your food is either in the cupboard or in the oven, you know that you have overstayed your welcome.
Femi passed through all these experiences with helpless resignation.
In Nigeria, church business is a very thriving one, more due to endemic poverty than the desire by the people to make it to the kingdom of God. It was Karl Max (and echoed by Stalin), who said that religion is the opium of the masses. And so, it is in Nigeria with the result that one can easily start a church literally overnight. All that is required is a little piece of land to build a hut and you are in business, no formal training in theology is needed nor registration with the authorities.
Femi went to the bank of mum-and-dad and borrowed a little sum of money, enough to buy a piece of land and build a hut. Overnight he made himself a pastor even though he had not undergone the baptism and had no formal theological training. Years later when somebody raised these little oversights, he told the person that Christ himself and all his disciples were illiterates with no formal theological education, either. It was the Holy Spirit in him that did the preaching and not him. He was merely a vessel of God to be used for His purposes. As for baptism, he was already spiritually baptised the moment he was called to his ministry and did not require any physical baptism. But just to fulfil all righteousness as Christ did, and more importantly to shut his critics up, he had one of his church members baptise him privately.
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Before embarking on his ministry, Femi was conscientious enough to make it plain to God that it would be a purely business transaction between him and the Almighty. God would get the saved souls while he (Femi) pocketed the money, morality or piety has nothing to do with it. Considering the terms of his covenant with God, he christened his church aptly: “Soul Seekers for Christ.” So, in a very short space of time a new church was created to add to tens if not hundreds springing up monthly in Nigeria.
Femi, to carve himself a space in the congested church business introduced after-church nibbles for the ever-hungry congregation. This was particularly the favourite part of the church service especially for children who cared nothing for the sermons. Femi, to his credit was good in delivering his sermons, which he embellished with drama and anecdotes. He would roll his eyes, fling his arms wildly, stamp his feet and shout with the full capacity of his lungs, all in a bid to drive his point home, and for good measures he hired some actors to cry through his sermons. This touch of genius was superb for it helped to spread his reputation as a true man of God with the ability to reform sinners and guide them through the narrow and thorny path to God. He incorporated music and dancing into his act, which was a good way of preparing the faithful for sermons as well as getting them in the mood for offerings without them feeling the pinch too much.
As the congregation grew in size Femi soon introduced all sorts of church payments: tithes, if you wanted to gain promotion in your workplace or if you wanted your business to multiply a thousand fold you must each month give God (in the person of Femi, God’s representative on earth) 10% of your salary or profit; church offerings for your spiritual soul; and church building project collection, if you wanted God to dwell in a fine house instead of in a shack; sin offerings, if you wanted God to cleanse you of your sins; there were also offerings for widows and orphans. He was the managing director, financial secretary, and treasurer, and was accountable to no one. Within awhile money started rolling in, the hut was soon replaced with a proper house, the loan to the bank of mum-and-dad was repaid with a generous interest, and Femi bought a car and built a house for himself.
As his ministry progressed, he branched into miracles. He would plant unknown actors to act as sick people who would jump up and claim to have been healed during his newly introduced “Miracle Hour”, and Femi would film the session to upload onto social platforms. It happened that one day he announced to the congregation that he was going to restore eyesights to everybody that wear glasses, be it myopia, hyperopia, cataracts or glaucoma, and would all such people please stand up and surrender their glasses. The congregation complied whereby Femi began his prayers and went about rubbing a little olive oil on the eyes of each miracle-seeker.
At the end he asked them if their eyesights had been restored. Those he had planted in the congregation put up their hands and praised God but the remaining genuine glass wearers said they still could not see properly without their glasses. Femi asked these hardy infirm to stay behind after church for a special second touch of the Holy Ghost. At the end of the church service, he went into the inner room which also doubled as his office. In the bottom drawer of his desk was a bottle of whisky underneath of which was the latest copy of the Penthouse and covering the bottle were scripture pamphlets he had written and produced, which he sells to the congregation for double the cost of the production. He opened the bottom drawer, had a quick look at the magazine, a draught of the whisky to fortify himself for his next act, popped a couple of mints into his mouth to mask the smell of alcohol, and he was out to administer the gift of the Holy Ghost on the incorrigible infirm.
Femi under the influence of Bacchus waltzed among the infirm shouting total gibberish, which the people mistook for speaking in tongues. To the men, he would give a resounding blow or two on the head to drive out the evil spirit of blindness, and the women likewise received the same treatment but the pretty ones amongst them received a cuddle and a furtive caress, a couple of the compliant ones of whom he requested to wait after the session for a very special prayer. Allowances must be made for Femi’s unusual familiarity with his female flock bearing in mind that he was still a young man with raging torrents of testosterone. The people did not see anything unusual in Femi’s behaviour even when he let loose the F-word with a good measure of other gutter words, they took it in good faith and put it down to his efforts to drive the evil spirits away from their heads – if you wanted the evil spirits to understand you, you have to speak in their own language. After beating them black and blue by which time the alcohol was beginning to wear off, he let them go with an injunction to fast twice in the week before the next Sunday.
When the Sunday came and after the preliminary acts which always accompanied his sermons, he asked those that did receive the Holy Ghost’s special touch if any still desired another touch. Nobody wanted to avail him/herself of this opportunity for they were still trying to recover from the previous Holy Ghost’s touch they received through the hands of Femi, and all to a person praised God for deliverance from the evil spirit of blindness except for one stubborn infirm who stood up and requested for his glasses back. There was total silence in the church, for nobody could believe that such audacity was possible.
Femi looked at the man askance. “Were you not among those recently cured of blindness?”
“No, I was not cured though I did receive your special touch,” the man replied, truculently.
“Then my brother-in-Christ, you need another touch. If you would be kind enough to see me after the church service, I shall be happy to attend to you.”
“Sorry pastor, I’d rather you leave the evil spirit in me alone than endure another beating, my glasses back, please.”
This was more than Femi could stomach. It only takes one rotten apple to spoil the barrel, and he was not going to countenance that. He had already sold the glasses to a local optician, and if he was not careful the whole trickery would blow up in his face. He motioned to his church ushers who slung the man outside. The wife who protested at her husband’s treatment came flying after him and both found themselves in the dust on the seats of their pants.
“The stiff-necked couple are spawns of the devil sent here to desecrate the house of God,” Femi told his shocked congregation. “We, the sons of God must be on the lookout for such beings and must take ruthless action to see that they do not corrupt us.” He led his congregation in hymns to quieten them down before launching into his sermons.
Today, Pastor Femi Adeyinka and his ilks are everywhere and have branched out into telly evangelism with none the wiser. Necessity is truly the mother of invention. Femi had no job, but he devised one for himself. He duped the faithful out of their money, but he succoured them spiritually. Does it really matter who or how the scripture is delivered so far as Christ is preached? Therefore, is Pastor Femi Adeyinka a saint or a sinner? You decide. But let he who without sin cast the first stone!
Wishing you a Very Happy New Year.
P/S: Story taken from “Jokes and Short Stories To Brighten Your Day” by Dr Gabriel Chukwu Uguru; In press by late 2023.
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