Dr Gabriel Uguru
It is Christmas, the time of the year when people let their hair down and care not for tomorrow. Continuing with our tradition of entertaining you at this time of the year, here is a little humorous yarn to put you in the mood for Christmas. Enjoy:
READ ALSO: Israel-Hamas Conflict: Gaza Death Toll Surpasses 20,000
The current ‘war’ between the Israelis and the Palestinians is nothing new, they simply do not see eye to eye. Their quarrels went as far back as the Biblical era when the Philistines (latter-day Palestinians) used to war with Israel as often as the mood took either of them.
In those days, war was a kind of bloodsport, and the idea was to club or knife your opponent to death. At the drop of a hat war would ensue. Any kind of reason was ok to generate a war. Stealing sheep or women, or even if your neighbour disliked your appearance, would ultimately generate a war. A camel belonging to a Philistine drinks water from a well belonging to an Israeli, that would be construed as an abomination and would definitely generate a war! The war-drums in both camps would sound for general mobilisation, and both camps would consult and implore their Gods to grant them arms supremacy over their enemy. If both parties really put their minds to it and with a little imagination, the case would even be classified as blasphemy and the war would transform into a holy war.
READ ALSO: I Didn’t Justify Hamas Terror Acts, UN Sec Gen Guterres Replies Israel
In one instance as the Biblical account goes, Samson, an Israeli superman who was married to a Philistine woman, had domestic issues with his wife and in a fit of fury used the jawbone of a donkey to club to death about a thousand Philistines! That was a hell of an ass to have such a strong jawbone, even the best club in the world would break apart after about a hundred kills! And the unfortunate one thousand dead Philistines must be suffering from severe arthritis to be clubbed to death by one man! But it is not the purview of this story to authenticate or question the accuracy of the Biblical account.
In retrospect, one wouldn’t really blame the two ancients. In an era without the internet, no social media platforms, no video games, no telephones, no cars, no TVs, no radios, no sports, in fact none of the modern facilities we now enjoy and take for granted. No wonder they went mental at the slightest quarrel. Those excess energies needed an outlet, and war was a readymade solution. Bear in mind that in those days, wars were cheap to prosecute. You did not need costly fighters and bombers or aircraft carriers and submarines or any nuclear weapons. All you needed were good strong clubs, spears, swords, bows and arrows, and you are good to go. The soldiers did not need much motivation to fight, either. The tempting promises of looting, raping, burning and killing to one’s heart’s contents were enough to ‘gird up your loins’.
In those days, the most popular reasons for war were religion and land. Today, their descendants are continuing the family tradition and are still at each other’s throat over land and religion. Modernity meant that they no longer club each other to death, knifing though is still ok but preference is now given to lobbing projectiles over each other’s province.
The two neighbours were like oil and cold water, they don’t mix. If the Israelis liked tea, the Palestinians would opt for coffee. If the Israelis liked Coca-cola, the Palestinians would drink Pepsi. If the Israelis liked McDonald’s, the Palestinians would gobble KFC. If the Israelis drove Mercedes Benz, the Palestinians would drive BMW.
Relations between the two squabbling neighbours were so bad in 2019 that the self-styled deal maker of the Century in the person of Donald Trump, organised a peace conference in July of the same year and invited the two neighbours, whom he locked in a conference room for three hours to force them to come to terms with each other. After three hours, the conference room was opened and Trump beaming with anticipation asked his representative if the two had settled their differences.
“Yes Sir,” answered the representative. “Both the Israelis and the Palestinians agreed not to have bacon sandwiches for lunch!”
“Terrific,” Trump beamed, “We are making progress.”
Later, at a press conference flanked by leaders of the two antagonists, Trump told the audience, “People said that Israel and Palestine could never see eye to eye, but I am happy to announce that using my persuasive and managerial skills, I have got the two sides talking. And I tell you folks, tremendous progress has been made today.”
“Which area has the two sides agreed upon?” A reporter from CNN asked.
“They mutually expressed a strong dislike for bacon sandwich!”
“So, I take it they don’t like pork either?” the reporter asked, humorously.
“That’s a safe bet. But don’t quote me on that yet, it’s far too early in the proceedings to be sure. But hey, the guys are here and can speak for themselves.”
“Neyn, mir esn nit khazer!” shouted Benjamin Netanyahu, his face deadpan.
Not to be outdone, “Anjilizi ‘iilaa filastiniun!” Mahmoud Abbas, his face looking very grim, shouted louder.
Both translations mean, “No, we don’t eat pork!” And to which Trump smiled broadly and parted the two leaders, affectionately, “You see fellows, we have another agreement. Ain’t that something folks?”
P/S: Bacon is cured meat from a pig while pork is meat from a pig. Both the Israelis and Palestinians by religion, do not eat pig!
Disclaimer: The author is in no way trivialising the unfortunate and regrettable current events in Palestine, and sincerely pray for peace to return in that region.
Culled from “Jokes and Short Stories to Brighten Your Day” by Dr Gabriel Chukwu Uguru; In preparations.
Here’s wishing all of our readers a Merry Christmas.
