Dr Gabriel Uguru
Mosquitoes have enormous negative economic value, which outweighs some of their important roles in the ecosystem. Apart from being the vectors of many important diseases, the feeding habit of the female mosquitoes is also a cause for concern, leading to irritation and inadequate sleep. However, there might be a reason/s why some people are attractive to mosquito bites.
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If you like your drink, you had better make sure that your house is very much hermetically sealed against mosquitoes. It is now “scientifically proven” that the little buggers are attracted to beer drinkers (see a preprint on bioRxiv). Mosquitoes are 44% more likely to bite you if you are a Bacchanalian than the person who does not drink! You see, you are not the only one who loves their tipple, mosquitoes also like getting sloshed and since it is impossible for the little monsters to go into a pub and order a pint of beer, they resorted to the next best thing – drinking your blood.
Continuing with mosquitoes, the little buggers also love to bite those who have sex. Ghosh, sex has always been a sweet-bitter thing right from Adam to present-day. If you are fond of getting close and personal with the opposite sex, you are 45% more likely to get stung by mosquitoes than the person who does not have sex.
And if you like to get “high” and indulge in taking marijuana, you will be 35% more attractive to mosquitoes than the person who does not take the drug. Oh, how Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and the rest of the Rastafarians must have suffered from the attentions of the little monsters! I reckon that Jamaica should declare a national state of emergency against mosquitoes.
To sum it all up, if you love your drink and like having sex, you are 80% more likely to be bitten by mosquitoes than the person who does not drink and does not have sex. If you love your drink, and like having sex and smoking marijuana, you are 124% more likely to be bitten to death by mosquitoes than the person who does not drink, does not have sex, and does not smoke marijuana!
The only consolation is that if you take a bath regularly and put on cream, you are 48% less attractive to mosquitoes. So, the key to not getting stung by mosquitoes is to maintain personal hygiene, no alcohol, no sex, and no getting high on marijuana. People will go berserk if you ask them to turn into teetotals and celibates! This leads one to ask that the UN should declare a global emergency to combat mosquitoes so that we can carry on enjoying our tipple, sex, and recreational drugs.
Speaking of global emergency call to mind the recent Covid pandemic. Well, if you invested in pharmaceutical stocks, you made a packet from the pandemic. The health and economic benefits generated by vaccines against COVID-19 in the first year alone was between $5 and $38 trillion. That is a return of $60 to $475 on the dollar! Who says that tragedy does not pay? Just goes to show you that there are people smiling to the bank out of your misery!
Talking about making money out of death, in 2023, 41 U.S. arms dealers collectively earned nearly $317 billion, while their counterparts in the EU made a modest $133 billion. In 2024, the global aerospace and defence industry generated approximately $922 billion! No wonder wars are springing up everywhere. Guys, I tell you, there is a “killing” to be made in wars, if you pardon the pun.
Oh, I almost forgot, do you wish to get rid of your enemy or enemies? If so, the new method is remarkably simple. Invite them to dinner and either poison them or just shoot them. That is one of the revolutionary methods being adopted to solve the perennial problems of the Middle East by the powers that be. I guess the “geniuses” who came up with this “brilliant” idea borrowed it from good old Dracula who was reputed to have used the same method to get rid of poverty in his kingdom.
There are certainly many legends surrounding Dracula. As we all know, ancient legends are nothing but what today we call conspiracy theories. So, the legends could be true or false. Given past experiences and the current state of things in the world, most conspiracy theories have the uncomfortable knack of turning into truths after 6 months!
Continuing with our narrative, legend has it that Vlad II Dracul (aka Dracula), was tired of receiving complaints of poverty from his subjects. So, one fine day, he organised a large banquet and invited all the peasants near his castle to partake of the feast. In the middle of the merriment, he locked all the doors of the hall and set fire to it. In one fell swoop, he solved the vexing problem of poverty in his kingdom, for after that day, nobody ever complained of poverty – everybody agreed they are rich!
You may say that all is fair in love and war as is currently being demonstrated in the Middle East, but the only snag with this treacherous method of solving problems is that your reputation is shot to shreds. Nobody in their right mind would ever trust you, and your words and assurances are not worth a canary’s fat! Still, who cares about honour and integrity when you can buy them with money or by the use of force, blackmail, and propaganda.
The world is watching, and taking notes, too! One can look tough, strut about on the stage making beautiful speeches and receiving applause but the inescapable fact is that everybody bears responsibility for their actions eventually.
