Most of us are quite familiar with the Biblical account of how Jesus was tempted by Satan during his 40 days and 40 nights fasting. A gruelling exercise he undertook in order to get himself ready for his mission on earth. But just in case you are in the dark about this most important episode in Jesus’s life, the reader is encouraged to read the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke. This alternative story you are about to read is told in no particular order unlike the Biblical account. The reader should know that the account given here is just a comedy and not a doctrine; therefore no offence is intended or implied.
Our story begins at the time Jesus finished with his fasting and was preparing to go back home. Satan appeared by his side and greeted him affably, “Hi, Jee, long time no see? You keeping all right?”
“I am good,” Jesus replied.
“You do look rundown, any probs?”
“So would you if you had just fasted for 40 days and nights”
“Nah, you wouldn’t catch me doing any such foolhardy thing. Jee, all this fasting; for what?” Satan asked with false sympathy.
“If you must know, I am preparing myself for my ministry.”
Satan laughed. “You crack me up Jee, you really do. You always were the one with fancy words. Preparing myself for my ministry, he says. You are just going to talk to the gullible poor masses, nothing grandiose about it. I can hardly see anything unpretentious in telling people you are the Son of God!”
“I am not just going to tell them that,” Jesus answered, injured, “But I am also going to tell them about love and forgiveness of sins; perform miracles by healing their wounds and sicknesses, and casting out demons.”
“You do make me laugh, Jee,” replied Satan, condescendingly. “We both know that the so-called miracles and casting out demons are just rudiments of tricks we learned when we were kids growing up. Remember how we used to climb on top of mountains and whizzed down? I grant you it was fun then.”
“Yeah, you and I were best of friends then,” Jesus sighed, wistfully.
“Happy days,” Satan sighed, wearily.
“Pity you went renegade. You shouldn’t have done what you did,” Jesus admonished him.
“How was I to know that daddy would get so het up?” Satan replied, injured, “Just sad that daddy took the little fracas we had completely out of proportion. I mean, it was just a little differences in opinions. I wanted us to modernise and move with the times; from monarchy to democracy, but daddy was an old-school, rather fundamentalistic about things. Still, I am not complaining. I am ok with my kingdom, freedom from stultifying parental control and all that. To be honest with you, I am having a blast. You should try it, Jee.”
“No, thank you very much.”
“That’s the trouble with you, Jee, you never take a risk, always the obedient son. You should try and live life on the wild side for once and stop being so uptight. I could take you to places that would make your eyes pop and show you how to live life.”
“Not interested.”
Satan narrowed his eyes. “Shall we give it a go for old time’s sake?” he asked, innocently.
“Give what a go?”
“Whizzing down the mountains.”
“No, those are childish stuff. When I was a kid I played like a kid but now I am all grown up and I have forsaken childish things,” Jesus replied.
“Chicken. You are just afraid you will hurt yourself,” Satan told him. “But you needn’t be, I am sure papa will send his angels to prevent you from getting hurt, wimpy kid!”
“I am not a wimp!” Jesus protested.
“If you are not, let’s do it,” Satan challenged him.
“No, I am not interested in playing mindless games, and I forbid you from trying to goad me into doing something stupid.”
“Keep your robe on Jee, don’t go laying an egg. I merely thought that you would be interested in playing a game!” Satan pacified. “Anyway, you must be peckish after all this unnecessary fasting.”
“To tell you the truth, I am rather hungry. Do you have any piece of bread on you by any chance?”
“Nope. Bread is for plebs but I can do better than a piece of bread. And with you always claiming to be the Son of God, you should try and upgrade your tastebuds to something refined and do caviar instead of carbs! Though, I suppose being the son of a carpenter has conditioned you to a rather common bread-and-water type of food. Here, feast your eyes on this delicacy.” And Satan whipped up a succulent roasted wild boar complete with an apple in its mouth. “My treat, Jee.”
Jesus salivated and his stomach rumbled ominously. He stretched out his hand for a portion. Quick as lightening the devil moved the dish away. “Not so fast Jee, you have to show respect first. What do you say to calling me a master?”
“You must be kidding, right?”
Satan shook his head. “No, I am deadly serious.”
“I’d rather starve to death than call you my master!”
The devil sighed, exasperated, and shrugged his shoulders insouciantly “I’d prefer you do so. Saves both of us the trouble: you dying agonisingly on the cross and me having to organise the show.”
“Take your food and go away!”
“Let’s forget about food for now, I have something I know that will tickle your fancy. Let’s get to that high mountain over there. Jee my bro, I am going to show you some of the choice kingdoms of the world. The idea is for you to choose whether to worship me and have them or refuse and deny yourself the once in a lifetime opportunity.”
“But as the Son of God I own everything, both in heaven and on earth,” Jesus asserted.
“Tut, tut, tut. You are delusional Jee. You are the son of a poor carpenter and as such your travel opportunities and horizons are rather limited. Now I can remedy that only if you worship me. I am not asking for much, just a little gratitude for my benevolence.”
“Satan you can stick it up where the sun does not shine.”
Satan shook his head, “Naughty, naughty. Such words are unbecoming of a gentleman like you. Now, do we have a deal or not?”
“No, we don’t!”
“Please yourself. Don’t come crying to me later when they nail you to the cross.”
“No, I won’t. Now, if you would excuse me, get out of here. I must be about my father’s business.”
Satan shook his head sadly, “You haven’t heard the last of this, no Jee, not by a long chalk, you haven’t,” and he could further be heard muttering onto himself as he took his leave, “That guy is full of moxie, I warrant him that, but I shall cut him down to size!”
(Story taken from “Jokes and Short Stories to Brighten Your Day” by Gabriel Chukwu Uguru; In preparation).
Happy Easter, Dear Reader.
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